Granny Smith sens her gye guid wee byke o attercaps an puddocks efter Porkers, Uggers an Laggers

GRANNY Smith turnt tae ‘er wee byke o attercaps, puddocks an ither wannabae owerlurds an axed: 

“See thon aule term Porkers, Uggers an Laggers, aye kent as PUL, whar did sic a name cum frae, it’s gye bad. Ah hates it turrible.

“Mon noo mae wee attercaps an puddocks, awa an fin oot whar it cum frae, an tell mae true, fur it maun bae filt wi ilka soort o aule keeche, Ah hink.” 

“First Ah hert o’t, wuz frae some hoores frae Quarepeckintoon,” says attercap nummer yin, “daen some soort o event in Derry naw Londonderry 20year syne, hoores disapeart, ‘PUL’ didnae.” 

“Twuz originally some aule crack tryin tae let on aboot ‘diversity’ inbye ethnic hooredums, that disnae or shouldnae exist,” says attercap nummer twa, “bit sunk intae some aule leid controlt bae tha saem hoores whase narratives shouldnae bae.” 

“Thon is truly tha witterat stanes o answers,” sez Granny Smith, anent hersell wi smeddum at ilka answer, “sic bak groun, is gye guid, tha hoores needs disextin, nae doot, oor weans will mak bitter meat o’t than us, which is anither gye guid point tae it aal.”

“ ‘Sinngle identity wark’ is worse nor ‘PUL’ says anither, aiblins attercap, aiblins puddock, nae boady richt sure.

“Baith gaes me tha dry boke,” says Granny Smith, nane to fashed aboot tha difference. 

“Sterted as Porkers Or Uggers Or Laggers, naw tha three thegeither,” says anither puddock.

“Richt ye are,” says Granny Smith, “aiblins twas tha intention, tae bae apen minded, bit narra minded hooredom owertook. Them boules aye has failed narrative, can say naething richt at aal.” 

“Rinnin tha three thegeither is quare keeche,” says anither puddock, “an there’s tha Cods, Nummers an Rhubarb, ca’d CNR forbye.” 

“Hoores ‘id caa mae a CNR, bit am nae Cod, I’ll tell ye thon fer naethin.” 

“Aye shur there’s me a Porker bit nae Ugger or Lagger, forbye” sez Granny Smith, “quare lang heided wurds frae a random puddock, lik yersell.  

“Aal Turrible, an tae bae avoided at ilka cost,” says Granny Smith’s heich heid yin, Thunner Thrapple, wha sat pack an thick tae tha owerlurd, ticht as poower alloos. Granny Smith near cowped ower, that Thunner Thrapple had spaked tae her.  

“An yer my wee Squire Firebrand, an Billy Bluff forbye,” says Thunner Thrapple, sendin Granny near scuddin aff the fleer intae tha air, tha wurds felt that guid tae hear.

“Niver bae fashin aboot them wee PUL lot,” says anither yin, “shur their gan doon in nummers, what iver they hink they are, it disnae maitter. 

“Forbye, they hae nae leid o Human Richts, we can dae what we want wi them an say what ye lik aboot them; shur didnae we suffer lang centuries o oppression!”

“Naw Ah didnae suffer lang centuries o oppression,” says Granny Smith, wi a big lang face, “bit Ah affen wish Ah had.” 

“Only Uggers use tha term in tha real warl duntin ilka ither hoore o a Porker or Lagger intae line, or pittin folk in boaxes, that we’d niver dae as it’s a wile wrang thing,” sez anither puddock.

“Aye thur claimin tae bae a group o yins,” sez Granny Smith, “pure bollix, o coorse, fur ‘themuns’ is nae group at aal bit us, wi their heids up their erses! 

“Tha hale think is gye feckin dry bokable.” 

Bit Granny Smith had a wile big hert an got ower hersell richt quick, fur wunnerful it wuz  aa her wee puddocks an attercaps, cummin bak tha wai they did, wi aal tha answers she had axed fur, an she gaed ilka yin a wee swuttie, an send them awa on, hame, gye guid weans.